i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it was like eating out sand paper
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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