how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
