And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
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My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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