Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
