I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
