I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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