I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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