Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
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