my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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