Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
