it's like heaven, but drunker
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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