took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
