I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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