They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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