last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
