I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize