Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
