I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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