he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
