she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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