i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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