I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
ok first of all what the fuck
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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