Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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