Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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