Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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