You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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