she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
