If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
