the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
