I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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