I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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