I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
