I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You've changed since you got that strap on
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
