i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
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Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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