i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
