I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
