Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
