Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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