Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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