my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
