Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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