i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
