we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
