When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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