This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i think my cat just said my name.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
