pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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