singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
