walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
