why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
