my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
