i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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