I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
