I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
