Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
