i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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