Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
