he puts the penis in happiness.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
