I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
